Buy my books, I know where you live!
So, if you are an indie author then you are probably like me…A short little Jewish guy with a love for pizza and a tendency to fart in public and blame it on his wife. I mean, you are probably paranoid about whether or not your book is selling copies. Let me tell you why you should ignore those numbers as often as possible…allow me to walk you through my day….
6:30 a.m. : Get one eye open, other closes again. Get other eye open, opposite eye closes again. Rub both eyes, repeat until both stay open. First thought: I wonder how my sales figures look this morning. Second thought, I need to pee. third thought, I will pee after I check my sales figures.
7:00 a.m. Hop on one foot waiting for Amazon’s KDP dashboard to load so I can see my numbers. Really need to Pee.
7:10 Realized after checking numbers I should have peed first, now all bathrooms in the house are occupied and I really, really need to pee.
7:30 Having finally peed, stumble down the stairs, hook foot in railing while looking at phone checking sales figures. Stumble, tumble land and crumble but I never dropped my phone!
7:31 celebrate ability to still walk while also checking sales figures from phone.
8:00 a.m. Text message from Ionia “Good Morning, Charles. How are things?”
8:45 a.m. Finally get around to answering Io after nearly forgetting due to checking sales figures.
8:46 Another text from Ionia. “Charles, stop checking your fucking numbers. You aren’t supposed to be stressing.”
9:46 Answer text message an hour later…”Uhm I was biking…not looking at my numbers…”
9:46 “Don’t lie to me, arsehole.”
9:47-12:00 Pretend to get work done and take care of toddler while consistently checking sales figures. Nearly have a heart attack when the amazon screen comes up with a glitch and my numbers disappear for a second. Call Ionia and whine while she bitches about her day.
12-2:00 Remind myself that my sales numbers will still be there when I am done using the bathro….oh, never mind this phone is a mini computer.
2:01 Drop phone in toilet on accident. Freak out until 2:02.
2:03 Reach in and pluck out phone. Dry off with hair dryer.
2:10 Make test call to Ionia.
2:11 Silently giggle when best friend says “Charles, WTF–you sound like you are under water.” She has no idea how true that is…
2:30-5:00 Hide in basement as much as possible while looking to see if George Martin has knocked me off another list while killing yet another of his characters. Write Martin hate post..George–not Ionia.
5:00 -7:00–Check sales figures, make vodka sauce, dream about pizza, check sales figures, almost lose phone in vodka sauce, wonder if battery will last through dinner.
8:00 Give toddler a bath, while checking sales figures…suddenly become paranoid about all basins full of water. Check sales figures.
9:00 Try to watch TV while texting Ionia about sales figures. Text fails. Email Ionia about Sales figures. Send squirrel meme by text. Instant response. See a pattern…ignore it as slip in sales figures. Back to being ignored.
10:00–check sales figures while quietly raiding the freezer for frozen yogurt. Find some in carton. Smile. Walk away, Head back to basement.
10:02 “Oh Fuck!” Race back upstairs and rescue iphone from freezer.
11:00 “Ionia, I’m sleepy.”
11:01 “Go to bed, Charles.”
Three hours later, after checking sales figures 5,197 more times.
2:01 a.m. “I’m getting sleepy, Ionia.” (Finger hovering over button to check sales figures.)
2:02 a.m. “Seriously Charles, go to bed already…Bloody hell.”
2:03 a.m. “Okay, have a good night. Talk to you in the morning.”
3:03 a.m. Incoming message. “Honestly, I know you are still looking at the numbers. Go to Fucking SLEEEP!”
3:04—considers pretending didn’t get message…realises this is imessage and she got a delivery confirmation. Settles for “Yes, goddess.” Swears he can hear her snicker all the way from Nevada…oh, never mind, actually can because I video called her on accident with my butt cheek. She may never forgive me for getting undressed for bed before this.
3:30 Finally settles in to go to sleep, after one last check.
3:31 Check sales figures
3:32 Check sales figures
3:33 Check sales figures
……
4:45 Check sales figures…..
6:29….Check sales figures
Love you, Charles 9:45, buddy
Legends of Windemere 
One should listen to the teacher.
LikeLike
Wax on (whack’s off)
LikeLike
Hahaha..this is a day in the life of Author charles Yallowitz for certain. We love you dude….but you really need to destress and STOP checking those numbers. 🙂
LikeLike
I’m answering for him since he’s busy checking his numbers
LikeLike
haha!
LikeLike
Once the first month of release is done, I’ll settle down. For now, I’m checking to see what advertising stuff is working and what’s a dud. Besides, I’m checking my rankings more than anything else and that’s easy to do when I go to the site for another Tweet or FB blast.
LikeLike
Hilarious!
LikeLike
He asked for it lol
LikeLike
Yes, indeed. He set himself up quite nicely 😉
LikeLike
You gotta love him
LikeLike
Proud of him, too 🙂
LikeLike
Revenge is so sweet…and hilarious!
LikeLike
I don’t have that problem–I can check mine every couple of weeks and they don’t change.
LikeLike
And yet Charles complains….
LikeLike
You sound like me!! I’ve cut back to 20 times a day though. So proud of myself.
LikeLike
I’m going to tone it down after the first month. For now, I’m trying to see how the new advertising stuff helps.
LikeLike
Leave it a few days between checking and maybe you will get a surprise.
LikeLike
He is too compulsive for that
LikeLike
Sometimes it doesn’t get you anywhere. Other times it is a good thing. I understand compulsion well. I find myself compelled to tell you I love you, as much as possible.
LikeLike
I am compulsive about squirrels, cupcakes, books and Englishman.
LikeLike
Oh my! Working my way down
Ellespeth
LikeLike
Too funny! Although, if I were in the same position, I’d probably be just as compulsive!! 🙂
LikeLike
1. A guy can check his numbers on his iPhone while peeing. It’s called evolution.
2. I bought the waterproof/shockproof/dirtproof case for my iPhone. The toddler did some horrible things to the last phone.
3. Sorry. Checking numbers.
4. Still checking.
5. Eh, I’ll finish this list after lunch and numbers.
LikeLike
I could write so much more, if I could get away from blog blog blog.
I’ve not published yet, but I hope I’m not so obsessive yet. It does little good. I’ve a history of not getting things I obsessed over until I stopped obsessing. It was a life lesson.
LikeLike
Also, love the gravatar!
LikeLike
Oh hahahahaha, I am rolling over here! 😆
LikeLike
This was fun lol
LikeLike
Oh my god! Are you sure you aren’t OCD. This was both amazing and hysterical…I am still laughing. 🙂
LikeLike
It was so fun lol
LikeLike
Keeping those kind of hours I’m surprised that he can even function. If I stayed up that late I would probably step out of bed in the morning and do a face-plant just as my feet hit the ground. I’ve got to say you two are a riot. LOL. 🙂
LikeLike
Realized it was getting bad when I bookmarked it on my phone and checked it in the middle of the night….Good post, very funny.
LikeLike
Lol I did that too!
LikeLike
Without a doubt, I have absolutely no idea what this entire post is about. Nothing at all. It bears no resemblance to any reality that I live in. 🙂
LikeLike
Do you swear to tell a lie, a whole lie and nothing but a lie.
LikeLike
I hear evil, see evil, and speak evil. I just don’t understand this pervasive need to check sales figures. Why in the heck would I want to do that? I mean, I only noticed today that every 10-15 minutes another 20-40 people downloaded my book. But check sales figures regularly? Not me.
LikeLike
Well with numbers like that, I don’t blame you, it’s not like it becomes an obsession. Heaven forbid. Also, I like your brand of evil. It feels good.
LikeLike
If only they were something other than free downloads.
LikeLike
Those downloads can pay off though. Get people talking.
LikeLike
Yes. I’m hoping for a bit of carry over to .99 purchases once the two days end, as well as more reviews.
LikeLike
This is just a reminder to check your sales figures. 🙂
LikeLike
Darn. You are on to me!
LikeLike
Now you better check them again. 🙂
LikeLike
Why do you think I am awake at 3 AM when I have Ancient Greek class first thing in the morning? Fucking numbers.
LikeLike
Absolutely lol!
LikeLike
Haha. Love it. Especially this line, “Call Ionia and whine while she bitches about her day.”
LikeLike
It’s so true…
LikeLike