Want some sales with that whine?

Food 158

I’m no expert, but I did stay at a super 8.

So, you are complaining about not selling any/enough copies of your book, no? You obsessively check your numbers to ensure that there has not been an explosion of sales since the last time you checked…uhm…ten seconds ago.
If you are an indie author…chances are this is you. No, Charles, I might be on your blog but I am not pinpointing you. Well, I am but…anyway.

I am not here to tell you how to make sales. Lots of other people have made plenty of other suggestions for that. I am here to tell you what not to do to increase your sales. Trust me; if any of these things seem like a good idea, you have more trouble than just slow sales.

Do not, under any circumstances:

Announce to a random person with an ugly daughter/son that you will marry their child if they will buy a copy of your book.

Offer to share your millions with someone if you ever make them. Unless you married the above listed ugly. Then you legally have to.

Trade your book for magic beans. Trust me, the beans are less effective than the mushrooms and there are no more sales at the top of the beanstalk.

Run naked down the street wearing nothing but a sandwich board with your book title on it. For heaven’s sake, at least remember to put where they can download it on there as well.

Go to a spiritual counselor and claim that Amazon is possessed and dark forces are keeping your sales from reaching the world. Holy water will fry your keyboard.

Threaten people on Facebook when they compare your book to other books, your characters to other characters and then admit they haven’t read your book yet. Wait until after you tie them up and torture them with all of your ideas for future books. They are much more receptive then.

Spend every moment of your blog talking about how you have not sold enough copies of your book yet. Big shocker here, but people might not be all that surprised if that is your sole theme…..mention random Alien

abductions, cupcakes and squirrels occasionally. It works for us.

Other stuff you can do to distract you from slow sales:

 Give a cat a bath. The sound of the toilet flushing is very therapeutic.

 Offer to help someone edit their work. At least you will be thinking rude things about how few books they will sell instead of focusing on your own.

 Go to an author event for a really popular author dressed as a minion. Whenever someone makes a comment about how popular their current book is, scream out “Bapple!!!”

 Bail yourself out of jail after the Bapple incident.

 Attend therapy recommended by judge after Bapple incident.

 Get stoned. No, not like that. Stand in the middle of the car park at the local grocery and ask your friends to throw pebbles at you. It will remind you why you rock.

 Start a new book *Only good idea in the list*

So there you have it. What not to do.

If you have any questions, please direct them to Charles as he will likely be on the computer anyway, checking his sales.

About Ionia Froment

Blogger, reviewer, theology/philosophy major. I'm a mother and a writer and a supporter of free speech and freedom in general. My favourite author is Albert Camus, and I listen to a bit of everything. I've been too busy (LAZY) to blog in the last few years, but I'm giving it another shot.
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47 Responses to Want some sales with that whine?

  1. Jade Reyner says:

    Hilarious as ever – thanks! And the cat isn’t too impressed with the bath… 😦

    Like

  2. Papi Z says:

    Reblogged this on The Literary Syndicate and commented:
    Some great points on book sales from Ionia. Check it out my friends!

    Like

  3. This is excellent. So amusing. I love it. Some great advice on what not to do to sell your book. This is a very interesting perspective as generally everyone concentrates on the things they need to do in order to sell the book, rather than what not to do.

    Like

  4. I sense that you’re endorsing running naked with a sandwich board as long as you write where the book is available. Need to hire a hottie to do this job. Models work for salads, right?

    I’ve actually had someone offer to share royalties with me when they make it big. It was an awkward conversation.

    Like

  5. Green Embers says:

    Hahaha, brilliant. 😀

    Like

  6. Cool!! very, very wise counsel. I am somewhat saved from the obsession by my inherent laziness, though I suspect if I was selling the numbers of books Charles is the obsession might grow in me to keep checking. 🙂 🙂

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  7. Wonderful advice. All of us need to use these methods for any worry issue. (I tried the cat bath thing and am now in the ER getting stitched up)

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  8. Don’t run naked down the street. Walk slowly enough that everyone can read it. 🙂

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  9. Sahm King says:

    Wait… Wait… Are you trying to tell me that magic beans are worthless? You do have a brilliant point with the mushrooms, though… >:D Great post, Charles. 🙂

    Like

  10. tyroper says:

    Lol! Love the cat bath.

    Like

  11. sknicholls says:

    LOL…Love your both. I am going to try the last item. It makes the most sense to me. If I can distract myself long enough writing a new book, maybe by the time I look again I will have sold another book :).

    Like

  12. I love this, sounds like some very sound if it was done under the influence of whine (wine). Take your choice. LOL. 🙂

    Like

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