I’m no expert, but I did stay at a super 8.
So, you are complaining about not selling any/enough copies of your book, no? You obsessively check your numbers to ensure that there has not been an explosion of sales since the last time you checked…uhm…ten seconds ago.
If you are an indie author…chances are this is you. No, Charles, I might be on your blog but I am not pinpointing you. Well, I am but…anyway.
I am not here to tell you how to make sales. Lots of other people have made plenty of other suggestions for that. I am here to tell you what not to do to increase your sales. Trust me; if any of these things seem like a good idea, you have more trouble than just slow sales.
Do not, under any circumstances:
Announce to a random person with an ugly daughter/son that you will marry their child if they will buy a copy of your book.
Offer to share your millions with someone if you ever make them. Unless you married the above listed ugly. Then you legally have to.
Trade your book for magic beans. Trust me, the beans are less effective than the mushrooms and there are no more sales at the top of the beanstalk.
Run naked down the street wearing nothing but a sandwich board with your book title on it. For heaven’s sake, at least remember to put where they can download it on there as well.
Go to a spiritual counselor and claim that Amazon is possessed and dark forces are keeping your sales from reaching the world. Holy water will fry your keyboard.
Threaten people on Facebook when they compare your book to other books, your characters to other characters and then admit they haven’t read your book yet. Wait until after you tie them up and torture them with all of your ideas for future books. They are much more receptive then.
Spend every moment of your blog talking about how you have not sold enough copies of your book yet. Big shocker here, but people might not be all that surprised if that is your sole theme…..mention random Alien
abductions, cupcakes and squirrels occasionally. It works for us.
Other stuff you can do to distract you from slow sales:
Give a cat a bath. The sound of the toilet flushing is very therapeutic.
Offer to help someone edit their work. At least you will be thinking rude things about how few books they will sell instead of focusing on your own.
Go to an author event for a really popular author dressed as a minion. Whenever someone makes a comment about how popular their current book is, scream out “Bapple!!!”
Bail yourself out of jail after the Bapple incident.
Attend therapy recommended by judge after Bapple incident.
Get stoned. No, not like that. Stand in the middle of the car park at the local grocery and ask your friends to throw pebbles at you. It will remind you why you rock.
Start a new book *Only good idea in the list*
So there you have it. What not to do.
If you have any questions, please direct them to Charles as he will likely be on the computer anyway, checking his sales.
Legends of Windemere 
Hilarious as ever – thanks! And the cat isn’t too impressed with the bath… 😦
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Lol! He liked it better than listening to me whine…
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Hmmm… debatable. All went downhill when I got the hairdryer out…:-)
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Reblogged this on The Literary Syndicate and commented:
Some great points on book sales from Ionia. Check it out my friends!
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This is excellent. So amusing. I love it. Some great advice on what not to do to sell your book. This is a very interesting perspective as generally everyone concentrates on the things they need to do in order to sell the book, rather than what not to do.
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I sense that you’re endorsing running naked with a sandwich board as long as you write where the book is available. Need to hire a hottie to do this job. Models work for salads, right?
I’ve actually had someone offer to share royalties with me when they make it big. It was an awkward conversation.
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I will share my sandwich board with you.
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Great. I hate getting arrested for public indecency alone. We’ll be the sandwich twins . . . like the Wonder Twins, but without the monkey.
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I’d rather share a cell with no one else
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Me too. Two crazy monkeys behind bars are we. At least we sneak out.
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Plus we get that cool jumpsuit for free
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Sweet! Though, can I get mine in a different color? Orange isn’t my shade.
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Only other choice is fuchsia
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Dang. Guess I’ll look like an orange creamsicle.
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My favourite
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They’re so yummy. Though, I love Choco Tacos too.
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I believe the correct lunch offering for hired models is a glass of water and a tic-tac…
😀
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Half a tic tac
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😀 Please forgive me for not keeping up with times and trends – – LOL
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Pricier than I remember. Used to be half a tic-tac.
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I said basically the same thing lol
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Great minds think alike. Though, what’s our excuse? 😛
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We stole some great minds?
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I keep mine in the medicine cabinet. Next to the Flinstones chewable vitamins.
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I keep mine in my other trousers
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The trousers with the bells on the ankles and ‘Kiss Here’ on the bum?
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Those are the ones. I got you a pair too.
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They’ll match my ‘Honk if You Love Cookies’ shirt.
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😀
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Hahaha, brilliant. 😀
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Cool!! very, very wise counsel. I am somewhat saved from the obsession by my inherent laziness, though I suspect if I was selling the numbers of books Charles is the obsession might grow in me to keep checking. 🙂 🙂
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Wonderful advice. All of us need to use these methods for any worry issue. (I tried the cat bath thing and am now in the ER getting stitched up)
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Don’t run naked down the street. Walk slowly enough that everyone can read it. 🙂
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Excellent point
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Wait… Wait… Are you trying to tell me that magic beans are worthless? You do have a brilliant point with the mushrooms, though…
Great post, Charles. 🙂
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Why thank you, payback for answering Charles’ message on your blog, Sahm? Lol!!
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OH…snap. Listen, in my defense, I was tired. I’m always tired. I think there’s some truth to this “sleep is the cousin of death” thing because, just every night the last week, I’ve thought I was dying as I was passing out.
What I’m saying is, I’m slow when I don’t any sleep.
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I’m slow even when I do sleep lol!
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Thanks. I did a lot of work on this. Mostly, I drank while Ionia did this. 🙂
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Lol!
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Still on the job now. Cheers!
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Ha! Well, there’s nothing wrong with that combination.
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Not at all. Though, I think she wanted me to share.
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Lol! Love the cat bath.
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LOL…Love your both. I am going to try the last item. It makes the most sense to me. If I can distract myself long enough writing a new book, maybe by the time I look again I will have sold another book :).
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I love this, sounds like some very sound if it was done under the influence of whine (wine). Take your choice. LOL. 🙂
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Bapple!
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