This is a safe place…

Welcome to our morning-after-Halloween coffee. I know. You were up all night sneaking the Chocolate Peanut Butter Pumpkins out of your kid’s candy bags and you deeply regret mixing them with the pumpkin spice vodka.

Don’t worry. Nobody here is wearing so much as a mask. Our coffee is pure and unflavored. Even the cream is just the way it came out of the cow. You’re in a safe place.

But it hasn’t been easy setting things up for today. I’ve been living in the UK for years now, so I had no idea that an insidious drug cult has taken over America. My first clue was when the plane landed in Atlanta. A group of young women screamed as they entered the terminal. No, really. Screamed. “PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES!” When my next flight landed in DC, several passengers menaced a Dunkin’ Donuts employee who was attempting to close down for…