Hector’s Hotel Hoisting Hypermart: No Swinging On Display Chandeliers

Grand Budapest Hotel . . . Obviously

Welcome!  Watch your step as you come out of the narrow pass since there’s a cliff right over here. We had a railing, but it was knocked down by a visiting buffalo imitator convention.  They felt like they had to stampede in to make an entrance and things went downhill from there . . . literally.  I’m sure you wonder why our business works out of this large valley that is only accessible through this pass.  Well, we’re proud that all of our hotels, motels, and inns are organically grown.  You can see them from here, but we’ll start heading down the stairs for a closer look.  Now, what kind of structure are you looking for here?

If you’re looking for a country inn then we should go to our western region where the herd was last seen.  All of them come with cozy fireplaces in every room and your choice of wood or carpet flooring.  It depends on the area you plan on setting up shop.  You can make a variation throughout the building too.  Entryways are best with wood while bedrooms may be better with carpeting.  We do have a collection of dust devouring rugs that give off a faint smell of your choice.  Nothing so strong that it will upset customers, but they double as an air freshener along with removing about 90% of the dust in a single room.  Please keep in mind that we don’t supply much in furniture, but can take orders for our sister store.  It’s on top of a mountain, so it’s probably best that you shop from them here or online.

Let’s talk patios and balconies.  I know the second option isn’t really done for what you want, but you can have a small one set up for a second floor bridal suite.  True, it doesn’t really fit the country inn motif.  In that case, we’ll talk about our patios.  There is wraparound, front, back, sides, raised, sunken, haunted, canopied, jungle, rock garden, and the M.A. 6542.  What’s that?  It stands for the Moose Attractor 6542.  It looks like a normal patio, but it will attract moose even if you live in an area where they aren’t normally found.  We have a bison, rabbit, and red panda version as well.  There used to be a beaver variety, but we had some issues.  No, they didn’t eat the building.  The beavers would dam up the exits and trap everybody inside before somehow setting fire to the whole thing.  They had red eyes, horizontal fangs, and horns.  We assume that something in our design gave them rabies, but they always vanished before we could arrive.  I agree that wraparound patios are perfect.

Here’s a checklist if you want to make things easier.  Steeple roof, double pane windows, pond with the loyal duck promise, two sheds, an emergency outhouse, and a waterwheel for some power.  That’s pretty standard, so how about I make a suggestion to improve the inside?  We have a package that is a little pricey, but will improve the chance of your inn succeeding.  It’s simply putting a small kitchen in every room.  This is done in some places and you see how great they are.  Even better, these kitchens are fully stocked, which you don’t see that often.  I mean, everything you need to cook will be here without you having to supply it yourself.  Okay, we may have come into possession of a cargo plane’s worth of cooking supplies because of a clerical error.  Anyway, I think I see the herd through the trees.  Remember not to make any sudden movements and hold onto this rifle for when you pick your model.  Aim for the upper window where you see the silhouette of a woman playing a violin.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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12 Responses to Hector’s Hotel Hoisting Hypermart: No Swinging On Display Chandeliers

  1. Wow. Did I every enjoy this, Charles. I’m glad you got rid of the beavers. Those kitchens in the rooms sound terrific.


  2. L. Marie says:

    Ha ha! Love this! I would like a hotel catering to skiing and winter sports to go with the snow that fell in my neck of the woods the other day. Wouldn’t mind a moose or two. But absolutely no beavers!


  3. Yay! I love these posts. I could use some of that dust devouring carpet at my current house. Do they ever do piece work, or do I have to order an entire inn?


  4. The best hotel I ever stayed at was a square with every room having a balcony. The interior was all atrium with water features. You could sit on your balcony sipping coffee and listening to the water features.

    Can I get something like that, with a mossy stone look and a few hummingbirds flitting around?


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