Smaug
Have too much money for a wallet, piggy bank, mattress, or mundane safe? Then you’ve come to the right place. Our expert contractors can creature the treasure vault of your dreams. If not your dreams then those of your favorite fantasy author. You don’t even have to worry about location because we can put these babies under any structure with nobody knowing. Well, we do have to let certain bureaucrats know because there’s the usual licensing and codes that we have to be aware of. Not to mention the utilities that we have to bypass.
You must be wondering how we do this. Well, our tunnels are attached to a magic door that you can hide in your home. Only those that you give permission to can see it and even then you need to know how to open it to the right area. Otherwise, you end up going to wherever the creator has decided as the wrong path. Now, our tunnels run through a side dimension that is only half an inch away from our own. So, you can use them to pass through the sewers, earth, and gas lines that might be in the way. We do have to avoid anything electrical because that can cross over. Anyway, that’s the simple explanation, so let’s get started.
The door does have to fit in your home, so nothing fifty feet tall unless you want to put it on the side of a building. Those are nearly impossible to hide because these do become visible to all for the few seconds that they are open. We have hatches, double doors, single doors, roll ups, and revolving. While we don’t get a call for them, we even have those revolving bar doors that you tend to find at amusement parks. Not the most natural things for inside and it limits the guardians you can use due to potential escapes, but the option is there. As far as how to open it, that is up to you. Same goes for the wrong path result, which you can discuss with our resident Geographer. Do keep in mind that people will see these open in thin air, so we recommend avoiding heavy traffic locations.
Now for the real fun. The treasury can be any size that you want, but we recommend planning for expansion. Building down instead of out is the best option if you feel that you are going to amass more wealth. This can be a circular tower that we continue building upon or a labyrinth that is similar to ant tunnels. Our construction team uses the finest materials, which means this can be rather pricey if it gets much bigger. Although, you probably don’t care about these prices if you’re here in the first place. We have a sale on columned chambers, which is buy three floors and get the fourth free. This package also comes with two traps that go in columns of your choice. Our catalog ranges from simple poison darts to a mist that turns intruders into golden coins. Do be careful with that one because touching them within twenty-four hours can transfer the curse. We also have reports of the coins bleeding, so you don’t want to use them.
Since I mentioned it, we can get into the greater variety of . . . Oh, out there is our guardian breeding facility. It doubles as a zoo of magical creatures, which helps to pay for much of the upkeep. We can talk about it from here since you have a perfect view. We ask that you designate one room or floor for each guardian. It depends on the size since a ghostly knight will be fine with a closet, but one of our dragons needs a lot more space. You will be responsible for food, veterinary bills, and all necessary licenses since these count as exotic beasts. Even the zombies must be registered because they can cause an outbreak and that results in a full incineration of the area. Good question about flying beasts. They are useful in certain rooms, but they don’t live for very long unless they’re the kind that goes into slumbers. We typically recommend them for flying treasure hoards, but we’re having some issues with cloud production now. I know I made it sound like our people can only go down, but I didn’t want to get your hopes up. Goblins? Yes, we have those and you can buy them in bulk.
As usual, we can go over the details in the back since we have the general idea. Not leaving that flying treasure hoard alone, huh? Look, we can put you on a list and contact you once the option is available again. There will be a small transfer fee and your entire package might not be compatible. It’s up to you if you want to take the risk. What’s that report about air travel? Well, we also have a problem with airplanes passing through treasure hoards with enough speed to make contact. No crashes yet, but the money inside suddenly appears within the plane. Hard to get your money back when it magically appears within the cabin of a moving plane. Sorry . . . no refunds.
Legends of Windemere 
I love these olde shoppe posts. Maybe just a small cave with a few skeletons and a kitty with hypnotic eyes for me. He can stun raiders until the skeletons can wobble over.
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I’m happy when I can think of another. Love the kitty idea. Very Monty Python.
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I’d like something with a slick floor and remote camera to record the thief falling down. We could have the slick material tinted blood red for a scare tactic. Maybe a couple of hooded cobras for effect.
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I like the way you think, John! You can probably sell the security video footage to America’s Funniest for some extra cash 😀
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If you saw the movie, “Home Alone,” you would see my inspiration.
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I sense a submission to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
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I think you are right.
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Love these posts! 😁
I have a small place, so I’m wondering if you have items that double as actual furniture, while still leading to the treasure hoard. Gotta keep up appearances. Don’t want anyone to know about my unlimited wealth just yet. Also, I’m wondering if any of the guardians can also double as normal-looking pets until I need them to transform in the event that an intruder tries to break in and get to my treasure.
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We can disguise the entrance as furniture, but there is a warning. You never know when someone will sit on it the right way and fall into the hoard. Some of our guardians are shape-shifters. Just make sure to keep them on the correct diet or they will break their cover. Nothing ruins the effect like a goldfish suddenly devouring the neighbor’s car.
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😃 😄 I’d like that kind of goldfish!
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Sold!
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I’ve hot several requests for my treasure hoard, but I’m sure you’re used to them by now.
I’d like my secret door to be a pair of old west swinging saloon doors, the gimmick being that someone has to step through exactly where they meet while whistling “I’m an old cow hand, from the Rio Grand”.
Next, I’d like my hoard under a certain mountain in a National Park, there shouldn’t be any utilities to deal with, or anything else and since there are endangered mice in the area, it should be safe from oil drilling for quite a while too.
I’ll take the pack with the four floors, as long as there is room for expansion, I’m planning on acquiring a lot of gold over the next few years.
Next, I’d like one of those ghost knights for a defender, as for my other one, I’m torn between the bulk package of goblins you mentioned and skeletons that grow from dragon teeth… you do have those, don’t you?
What about an alarm system? Just on the outside chance that do,one does break in, you never know what those nosy Wizards will do for supposed heroes after all.
Any chance to have a fake treasure added as a decoy? Just salted with enough real gold to fool anyone who gets past the ghost knight and skeletons, of course.
How long does service work take? I’m just asking since I’m sure any and all triggered traps will need to be reset and the dragon tooth skeletons will need replacing.
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While the entrance isn’t a problem beyond the distance, it will take a little work to get the permits for the mountain. There are certain codes for us to look into because of the federal protection on the land, which includes that underneath the mountain. Expansion is always possible depending on the location, but I will point out that going under a mountain is fairly popular. You might not be the only one there. We’re currently out of dragon tooth skeletons due to a certain celebrity needing a rush job. It takes half a year to become fully stocked because dragons aren’t nearly as common as they once were. We can create a plan where you get them as we receive the product and pay per delivery instead of upfront. We can put an alarm system that ranges from a basic warning bell to a full lock down of the hoard. You will have to talk to our security expert for the details of each plan. Decoy treasure is something we don’t provide because those types of items have to be specific to each hoard. We always recommend that the client do this themselves to make sure it mixes with the rest of their collection. For example, if you have mostly gold coins and we add statues then it might be too obvious. Service work will depend on what needs to be done. The initial construction for something like this will be 5 months at least depending on how long it takes to get the permits and the mountain you have in mind. Repairs are not something I can comment on because every situation is different.
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Buy three columns and the fourth is free, eh? Sounds like a steal!
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Always good to keep your columns even.
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