I was considering delaying this one until I thought more about it, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. Also, it began to feel like this was something that had to be talked about sooner rather than later. So, this might not be that long an entry because it’s going to be more description than analysis. Let’s dive into it.
Two Sundays ago, I had a really bad night because of an anxiety attack that I can only call ‘The Big One’. Personally, I hope it stays that way because I’m sure anything worse will result in death. It was really that bad. It started just as I was getting into bed and it felt no different than before. Tightness in the chest, racing thoughts, small cough, and the usual physical symptoms. Didn’t think much of it until a few minutes later when it started getting worse. Keep in mind that this is at night. Everyone else was asleep and I couldn’t think of anyone to text. I also thought that I could sleep it off. Nope! I’m still baffled that my wife managed to sleep through this.
The first sign that something was really wrong was that my muscles switched from feeling stiff to tightening. Almost like I was put on a medieval rack that connects solely to my muscles and they were being stretched to their limits. My jaws kept clenching, which is a pain because I have my sleep apnea mouthpiece. I managed to take that out when I gained enough control to move. My arms were a massive pain in the ass. My left arm kept twitching and my right locked up. I couldn’t tell if it was real or my brain thought this is how it should be when I was having a bad anxiety attack. This contemplation led to the part that drove me to grab my phone and crawl into the bathroom for light and a sense of solitude. The thought, which I’ll make a post about down the road, was if one would be aware of themselves succumbing to insanity. I have no idea how long I was sitting there wondering if I’d lost my mind and didn’t realize it. This stopped once I realized that I probably wouldn’t be asking that question if I’d snapped.
I calmed myself by wandering the Internet and playing some Word Searches on my phone. I’m glad I charged the thing. At one point, I tried to take this test I found that would determine your level of anxiety. Yes, I know online quizzes aren’t that helpful, but I didn’t care and it was from a site that I kept finding when I did research. So, what did the quiz say? I have no idea because it ended with a request for my email address to get the results and I abruptly thought it was a trap. Then I thought it was ridiculous. You have all these questions about fear and paranoia, so you end by asking for an email address? If someone came up really high on the paranoia side then I don’t see them going along with that. For all I know, I’m saying this from experience since I was feeling twitchy about everything. Oddly enough, the silliness of this helped me break out of the attack, especially since a friend of mine was up late and sent me a hello. I think he got a decent laugh out of it too.
So, do I know what set ‘The Big One’ off? Not a clue. I know I had a really busy week and was nervous about making sure everything worked. That might have combined with me worrying about not finishing the next first draft before school ends. I felt a little guilty about taking last week off to handle all the events instead of trying to slip a few chapter sections into my schedule. This is before I managed to write the scheduled posts for July and August, which puts me at ease. The thing is that I’ve done this to myself before, so I don’t know why this one created such a massive effect. It left me exhausted in the morning and I had a few smaller ones throughout the week because I was on edge. Hopefully, I figure this out and can avoid another ‘Big One’. Those aren’t pleasant in the least.