FAO Schwarz
Welcome to our little corner of the marketplace! I assure you that we carry only the highest quality supplies when it comes to making the perfect doll. Yes, we have that joke about possession, but only because we know somebody would have made it if we didn’t do it first. We’re all about getting ahead here, which is why we have you sign this waiver. It means we are not responsible for what you do with your doll and that we can turn you into the police if you say anything here to make us think you’re up to no good. Our business is one of nobility, so let’s get to the basics and ignore the mini-missiles over there. Just had a shipment and we’re doing inventory.
Here is our computer to pick the unclothed appearance, which sounds creepier than it really is. You want a girl? Easy to do and we have a long range of hair. I’m not talking about colors or styles alone. We have donated human hair, various animal furs, a flexible metal that is bullet proof, tiny cables that can charge a smart phone with only an hour of contact, and the list keeps going. Razor hair is only available on models that are kept in a case and there’s another waiver. You don’t want little kids petting the toy and losing their fingers. We’ll get to eyes later since that’s where the stun lasers, sensors, and holographic projectors come in. I’m sure would could put in one projector and one laser. You want a boy doll to make a sent? Now, I’m getting curious.
I see, you have a son and daughter, so these are supposed to look like them. Well, we have a scanner to make copies of their faces, which should cover the appearance side. Let’s get into the clothing though. Is there any specific outfit here? Keep in mind that all of our clothes are fire proof, stain resistant, and absorbs static electricity to power any electronics within the doll. So, your son wants his to be dressed up as a firefighter and your daughter wants to be a super-powered cowgirl. For the first one, we have a standard outfit that you can add various stickers to. The helmet is removable and you can get a hose and hydrant attachment, which you can fill with water. For your daughter, we have a wide variety of cowgirl outfits and I guess you could put a cape on the doll to get the superhero part. Did you have an idea for the powers?
Well, now is a good time to get into the technological additions. The firefighter is simple because he only needs the water hook up, a blunt axe, and maybe an engine. You can choose from models of trucks that span every age and country. With the superpowers, it really depends on what you need. Flying is possible if we put a mini-booster in the back and have it controlled by remote. We used to have an app for that, but people were taking over dolls that they didn’t own. Total liability mess and then the explosion in Fort Lauderdale that ended spring break two years ago. With the remote, you can add other powers that are all non-lethal. Check off what you want, but there is a four power limit because we took the controller design from an old video game system. Finger tendrils, gusting breath, flight, and retractable horns . . . that’s all possible. You might have trouble with the hat thanks to those horns, but we can put holes in the brim or have the horns curve outward.
That should just about cover it. We can have these ready for you by the end of the week since everything is in stock. Thank you for shopping with us. Some wacky ending to this skit? This has been a serious conversation, so let’s not cheapen it.
Legends of Windemere 
Always loved these posts. This one more so, because I’ve written creepy dolls.
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Thanks. I’ve been running out of ideas for them so I might not have more until January. Couldn’t figure out any for the finale month and life has really drained my energy.
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I have some I post sporadically. Doesn’t seem to hurt their popularity when they go live. Still looking for one more worthy candidate for the Idea Mill.
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I’m noticing the same thing. Stuff that shows up from time to time gets a bit more positive attention than the regulars. That also reminds me that I’ve got nothing for tomorrow.
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Hey, I’ve slacked off for a week lately, and I don’t have an interview tomorrow. It doesn’t kill us.
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Actually, I almost forgot that I was going to post somebody’s Pre-Order info. Think I’m just getting twitchier than normal because of everything going on here. Noticing that it’s a short trip to Panic-Ville for me lately.
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I really liked this post, Charles. A very good satire of a toy shop.
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Thanks. Glad you liked it. 🙂
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In addition to the rest, I particularly loved the last line. Cheapen indeed.
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Very true. Had a good, unexpected run there and it would have been sad to end up so poorly. 😛
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Ha ha ha.
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Great post! I always enjoy these shoppes. Is there any chance that the doll might become sentient and later have an existential crisis that will lead it to plot my demise? Or will I be in complete control of it, thus allowing me to somehow take over the world with it?
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To be honest, the one doll wouldn’t lead to world domination. We’ve seen people try and it typically ends with a fairly easy destruction. Our favorite is the catapult into a wood chipper, which is more common than you think. Sometimes it’s even the doll that gets that treatment.
We get questions about existential crises and plotting owner demises all the time. It really comes down to the product you help us design. You choose the level of consciousness and control, but it isn’t always so easy. Sometimes having too much control can cause a rebellion.
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Ha ha! I can’t help thinking of Scarface in the animated Batman series. 🙂 I’d have to give some thought to how much consciousness I’d want. But I would like one with super strength if possible.
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I was thinking more Chucky when I wrote the thing, but it didn’t come out that way. Scarface was a really interesting villain. Need to see if he’s still in the comics. I think they killed the Ventriloquist at some point.
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I also thought of Chucky, who is the quintessential evil doll. And there’s Annabelle. . . .
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Forgot about her, but she’s fairly new. Goosebumps had the dummy too.
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Funny / creepy. Great post!
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Thanks. These types of posts always get a good reception. 🙂
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😀
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Great post… sorry I couldn’t think of anything funny to order doll-wise.
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It’s a tough one. This post came out more serious than past ones too.
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It did seem more serious, I agree, but I still enjoyed it, these are some of my favorite posts from you.
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I’ll come up with more eventually. None really worked with the upcoming push for the Legends of Windemere finale. Won’t get used to the serious ones. Total fluke here.
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Shades of Toy Story. What’s gonna happen when these kids outgrow their fireman and super cowgirl?
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Save them for their own kids or donate. It does seem like people are quick to throw old stuff away these days.
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My favorite kind of post. But where’s the wacky magic? Oh, right. Cheapens the shop :b
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This one came out more serious. I tried to make it strange or creepy, but it didn’t come out right.
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You needn’t have worried, it’s prefect.
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