(If you want, buy their previous rampages for $2 by clicking on the covers below.)
Oscar and Seth’s motorcade travel down the highway at a lazy pace, the warlords and their new hire safe within the central limousine. A pickup truck with howitzers in its bed and spikes on the grill is in the rear position while the front is taken by an armored car with a long battering ram. Fifteen motorcycles weave among several larger vehicles, the helmeted riders armed with handguns and swords. All other travelers are forced off the road where they wait for the motorcade to pass. Those who honk their horn or try to get by are met with precise shots to the tires, which leaves them defenseless against the armored car. Every ruined vehicle is mocked and laughed at, none of the soldiers bothering to see if the people inside are alive or dead. All they care about is that they get paid for every potential enemy that they get rid of. With such a promise driving them, the men and women believe that nothing can stop them.
With a song about rainbows playing over a loudspeaker, Cassidy’s jeep barrels onto the road and smashes through two of the motorcycles. She goes back into the woods and drives far enough away that the barrage of gunfire hits the trees. After a minute of blindly firing and kicking up a cloud of debris, the soldiers lose track of the blue vehicle. One of the rear trucks turns around to search for the elusive enemy, but the jeep returns closer to the front from the opposite side to clip three more motorcycles. The bikers fall and are run over by their friends, who swerve to avoid making a bigger accident.
“This is so much fun!” Cassidy shouts as she goes back into the woods. Driving into a clearing, the mercenary weaves among the abandoned machinery and gradually gets closer to the road. “We’ve been in a lot of chases, but I think this is the first time we’ve been the hunters. No wonder all those maniacs in Nebraska love this. Just circling the target and bursting in to cause chaos. Let’s come at them from behind and take out that rear truck. The armored car is going to be a problem.”
“That sounds kinky,” Lloyd replies while he puts on heavy gloves. He opens the window and stays low, a tightly packed coil of razor wire on the seat next to him. “I want to point out that they have a howitzer on there. The armor plating will hold, but I doubt the bulletproof glass was made for that caliber. You have to know this, so share the plan. Might want to save this baby for later. Any suggestions?”
Making a sharp turn, Cassidy heads for a collapsed shed that can be used as a ramp. “Keep the razor wire bomb because I want to fly. If I get enough speed and the angle is right then the gun will be too low to hit us. At least if my baby can get enough height since she’s a jeep and kind of front heavy.”
With handgun bullets bouncing off their vehicle, Cassidy and Lloyd hit the ramp at full speed. Instead of getting into the air, the jeep slams into the rusty structure and sends it rolling into the motorcade. The roof lands on the rear truck’s bed and blocks the howitzer, which gives the pair an opening. Cassidy stomps hard on the gas and moves to get around the front of the vehicle while Lloyd throws the razor wire into the cab. Their battering rams breaks all of the spikes as it passes and takes out another motorcycle before they get away from the swerving truck. A high-pitched scream erupts from the vehicle when the driver tries to remove the razor wire and the coil explodes to wrap around him. With a stomp of the brakes, the rear-guard flips forward and sends those in the bed flying into their friends. Driving alongside the chaos, Cassidy and Lloyd set their sights on the armored car.
“Take the wheel!” the mercenary shouts, knowing that she needs to man the guns. Flicking on the cruise control, she does a quick switch with Lloyd and hurries to their arsenal. “You would think I’d have taken a rocket launcher when we were in the South. I really don’t like keeping that kind of explosive in here unless I have a specific use. The tires are as tough as my baby’s, so I’m not sure how we can take it out. I’ll shoot at it until I find a weak point or come up with an idea.”
The armored car sideswipes the jeep and Lloyd struggles to stay on the road, the sound of screeching tires drowning out his curses. Turning into the push, he spins and goes in the opposite direction while Cassidy fires a small machinegun at everyone they pass. She takes out most of the remaining motorcyclists, the last one jumping onto their hood and drawing a katana. The jeep stops abruptly and sends the woman flying into a pickup truck’s windshield, which sends the vehicle careening into the woods. Two more attempt a pincer maneuver with soldiers firing with pistols. Men fall out of the bed and tires are punctured as Cassidy retaliates with two of the machineguns, the vehicles eventually stopping as dead as their drivers.
Lloyd heads back toward the armored car, but stays back to let his partner drive the other enemies out of their way. Coming alongside the limousine, the serial killer playfully bumps into it a few times as if he is knocking. To his surprise, Chunk opens the door and leans out with a large handgun. Not wanting to let the opportunity go to waste, Lloyd waits for the man to try and stand in an attempt to hit Cassidy. With a honk of the horn, he swerves into the limousine and closes the door on Chunk. The impact is hard enough to snap his neck, the body tumbling onto the road and bouncing under the last of the pickup trucks. Hearing a strange click, Lloyd gets the jeep away in time to avoid spikes that jut out of the hubcaps. Getting between the armored car and the limousine, he taps on the wheel while Cassidy switches to her sniper rifle and tries to do more than surface damage to their real target.
“How thick is the fucking armor plating on that damn thing?” she asks, putting the weapon down. Rummaging through their arsenal, she pulls out a grenade and considers wrapping it in duct tape. “Even the windows are fortified, but this could do it. Only problem is that someone inside might be able to get it off the windshield and throw it back. Wait a second. Didn’t we have a fishing pole around here? Maybe I can tie the grenade to it, pull the pin, and whip it against the side.”
“That’s an awesome idea, but save it for the movie,” Lloyd says while he catches up to the armored car. Slamming into the back, he moves along with it and wrestles to get some control over the heavier vehicle. “You know, sometimes it’s better to simply get the job done. I love flashy kills and having fun, but the stars don’t always line up. Besides, those engineers were talking about retaking the mine and getting everything under control. All we have to do is take out the leaders and be on our way.”
“Are you getting bored?”
“More that I’m sleepy because this has been a long car ride.”
“Can you see where we’re going?”
“I have a general idea.”
Lloyd drives faster to push the armored car ahead and hits the brakes to make a turn, the screeching tires causing Cassidy to glare at him. The heavier vehicle tries to do the same, but is struck near the front and sent falling off the bridge. It lands upside down in the shallow river and the soldiers hurry to get out before explosives inside go off. Fiery wreckage sails onto the road, but only the limousine is struck and left with a large dent in the driver’s side door. Lloyd checks the rearview mirror to see that their enemy is slowing down and swerving, so he turns the jeep around. With a shrug, he revs the engine and barrels into the other vehicle, the impact causing Cassidy to curse at the top of her lungs. The serial killer backs up a bit while Oscar and Seth fall out of the limousine, both of them confused and bleeding from the head.
“This feels so empty,” Cassidy mutters as she gets back into position. Two quick bursts from the machinegun take the warlords out, but she puts a foot on Lloyd’s shoulder to stop him from moving the jeep. “You’re right that we can’t always have amazing finales to our fights. That’s not realistic and I have to stop focusing on that. It’s just that we’ve had so many, which are great stories to tell people at the bars. I can’t bring myself to lie like others do. You know what I’m talking about?”
“Have you been using our adventures to get laid?” Lloyd asks, shoving her foot away. He drives around the limousine and runs over the warlords to make sure they are not faking their own death. “We really need to talk about this. Mostly because it never works for me. Not that I try to get laid by anyone other than Katie. Still, maybe I could learn some storytelling techniques from you to get her even more excited. You know how she likes the violent parts of our adventures. At the very least, she seems to scream and move more in our private stories with those kinds of conversations.”
The mercenary takes her seat and rubs the back of her neck. “I meant to get free drinks.”
“Oh . . . Can you forget what I just said?”
“That’s why I’m cracking open the rum.”