Fellowship of the Ring
Thank you for answering our Help Wanted ad. We have a big job coming up and one of our members isn’t able to join us. What happened to your predecessor? There was an incident with a dragon, two kegs of ale, the blacksmith’s daughter, and the sinking of three dozen royal warships. In her defense, the ale was really good. Now, her position was rather fluid, so we aren’t looking for any specific set of skills. Just something unique that doesn’t step on the toes of everyone else. That goes double for our barbarian because he never wears shoes and swears his big toes are extra sensitive to crushing. So, let’s see what are you capable of.
I see you have a lot of experience going on adventure, but I don’t recognize the groups you have listed here. In fact, we couldn’t locate a single reference. Oh, they all died on various jobs, so I take it you’re more of a mercenary. Now, your longest position was for two years, but you have no responsibilities listed. You were the seamstress? I don’t see how that was very important, especially since I see mention of swordsmanship, archery, and illusion magic in later years. Nobody trusted you with weapons or magic? Makes me wonder what happened to the others. They failed to listened to you . . . not sure if you’re being arrogant or hinting that you can see the future. Guess a shrug is the best answer I’ll get on this section.
Moving on to your skills, I want to know where you learned everything. Most adventurers are either a warrior with a specific weapon or a caster. You have melee skills, long-range skills, and magic, which is fairly impression. Especially since you don’t look any older than twenty-five. You’re twenty-one? Raises more questions about your training. Yes, I’ve heard of the Cavern of Legends and the rumor that the crystals within hold the memories of the greatest adventurers in history. Never thought about what would happen if one got locked in there. You grew up in there after your mother wandered, gave birth, and died soon after. So, you were raised by ghosts? That does give you a lot of leeway in terms of acting strange.
All of this looks rather good even if it is rather odd and a tad suspicious. We need to settle on payment. Normally, every member gets a base of five gold and an even portion of whatever we find on our adventure. Anything that is not money is either given to whoever can use it best or settled by a Tic-Tac-Toe tournament. We used to have a singing contest, but then we recruited a bard and they never lost. At least until our dwarven healer broke his kneecaps, lost her powers, and has switched to a more . . . violent god. She’ll heal you, but the spells are agony and we think she’s drinking blood. None of this seems to phase you at all, which is a good sign.
I’ll write you done for the normal salary and kill bonuses if that’s okay. You only want copper coins and arrows? I guess we can do that, but copper isn’t really common. Not even sure they still make those. No, they don’t typically have chocolate. You’re talking about candy wrapped in copper-colored paper. Do you really want to get paid in candy and arrows? Okay then, but we can’t hire you. I want to say it’s because you’re not skilled or experienced. In reality, you just pulled out a book about sacrifices people to revive the dead and I don’t feel comfortable with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Curse my descendants all you want, but I’m pretty sure the male pattern baldness, bizarrely large feet, and heart disease in my family tree will make that mumbo jumbo pointless. NEXT!
Legends of Windemere 
LOL. I was with the hire right up to the point of the book. (nothing like haveing a zombie right in the middle of a fantasy) I’m not sure I would scoff at the curse. You never know.
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Well, he does have a priest to remove the curse. It’ll just hurt a lot. 😀. That book was definitely a big red flag.
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So clever. 😀
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I’m not so sure yet. A Frankensteinish creation could be helful, and she is a seamstress.
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True. Though the rest of the team might want to keep their souls in place.
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Take one for the team, geez. They can probably get it back later at a repository or something.
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Have this image of a soul laundromat in my head. They come out cleaner, but nothing removes cardinal sins. Well, maybe baking soda.
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That shoppe is just down the street in Windemere. (Try naptha on those sins.)
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Always in the shadows too. So strange.
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Ha ha ha! At least the candidate works cheap (though should not be trusted).
This is hilarious!
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He is rather cost effective.
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I’d like to apply if it’s not too late. I work cheap, I don’t care about treasure (unless it’s a lamp with. Genie inside) and I complain a lot, that’s a must for every group, right?
I can cook… well I can stab a leg of lamb and hold it over a fire with the best of them. I like to use throwing stars for distance combat and dagger for close in fighting… I know I said I don’t care about treasure, but if I kill someone with Lucky or wound them with Slicer (of course my daggers have names, don’t yours?) I want at least one coin for every purse I steal… what’s that? I didn’t say I was a thief? I thought you knew, how else would I be wearing your vest right now? Yes, it’s the same one you were wearing when I came in, I don’t understand why you carry gumdrops in your pocket, but you must like them, I like your pocket watch though.
I’m very loyal… but don’t ask my last employer, I left him under odd circumstances… why no, this isn’t the medallion of death that was recently stolen from its owner by his bodyguard. Nor can I give you any references… all of my employers seem to die shortly after I leave them.
Anyway, do I get the job?
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You have an impressive skill set for someone who isn’t a thief. We’ll have to get back to you after the thorough background check. Can’t be too careful since there are plenty of unsavory characters out there. You know how dangerous the world is these days. If you need a place to stay, I know of a wonderful seamstress that has an extra bed.
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I completely understand… I do request that you don’t talk to my last employer, he’s a bit upset, it seems that his vault of gold vanished shortly after he fired me for borrowing his best horse, for some reason he blames me, I was at a poker game the night the vault was robbed and I can buy… get a dozen people to say they were in that game.
If anyone does say something bad against me, I’d like to know so I can… see if I can change their minds.
Thanks for the recommendation for a bed, but I’m sure I can find something.
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We’ll keep you posted on our decision. Please leave your contact information with Maurice. He’s the big guy in the corner. Lovely singing voice.
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love it! this is so creative and wonderful to read, thank you very much!
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Hilarious and fun to read, thank you! Sounds like a series of unfortunate events for the past employers,
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Thanks. They probably should have interviewed him more thoroughly.
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