Kevin Hart
Celebrating Thanksgiving in a fantasy world? Follow these steps for the perfect meal that promises to be delicious, affordable, and minimal on casualties.
- Stock up on healing potions. These can help with the prep work, family fights, bandit raids, food poisoning, and zombie turkeys.
- Hunt down your own turkey to save money for the other dishes. They’re fairly plentiful in certain regions, so some traveling might be needed. It is not recommended to use magic or anything else that obliterates the animal.
- Apologize to the griffin you mistook for a turkey and run.
- Find wild yams for mashing. Earn extra money by doing this in public and claiming to be a stand-up comedian. Due to copyright issues, always refuse to add a watermelon to your act.
- Buy green beans to steam. What could go wrong?
- Finish wrapping scalded hand.
- Make bacon and eat most of it. Give last two pieces to the dog and claim he ate it all while your back is turned.
- Remove angry dog that understands English from your backside.
- Start cooking turkey.
- Remove turkey from oven to pluck feathers and prepare for cooking.
- Return to oven.
- Make an apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, brownies, cookies, pudding, and a twenty tier cake. Put all of this in the enchanted safe that is guarded by a dragon that only recognizes you as its master. Nobody is going to get at the most important part of the meal.
- Pick brussels sprouts and immediately throw out since you now remember that nobody in the family likes them.
- Slice pickles using the technique handed down the generations of your family.
- Make a small salad for the one family member who refuses to eat meat. Slip in one bacon crumble and laugh manically.
- Put out the fire on the turkey.
- Get the bread and herbs for stuffing. Scratch head when you realize that you never remember how to do this.
- Open jar of endless cranberry sauce and add whiskey . . . to yourself because this is hard work.
- Threaten to burn down the house if somebody doesn’t tell you where the damn gravy boat is.
- Apologize to firefighters and promise that this is the last Thanksgiving that they have to show up at 3:25 PM on the dot.
- Welcome all of your family from where you are setting the table.
- Throw out destroyed turkey and go hunting for a new one that you cook with a fire spell on sight.
- Apologize to griffin even though you roasted it perfectly. Nobody ever seems to notice the taste anyway.
- Carve the ‘turkey’ and makes sure everyone is happy before you even consider sitting down to eat.
- Clear table with a wind spell and hurry to get the desserts.
- Kill dragon for eating the apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, brownies, cookies, pudding, and a twenty tier cake.
Legends of Windemere 
Reblogged this on willmacmillanjones.
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Thanks for the reblog.
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So the Roc looked a lot like a turkey. Do you know where to find an oven big enough to roast the darned thing? At least it’s fresh and I don’t have to spend two months thawing it out. Oh, asking for a friend.
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Spit over an open flame. Helps to have a fire mage around or live near a volcano.
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You should take questions and write this like the Butterball hotline next time. Could be a lot of fun.
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Definitely sounds like fun. I might even have the time for a lengthy interactive thing next year. Though I’ve never read the Butterball hotline before. Stuff like ‘my turkey is on fire. Should I use sage or rosemary now?’
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Exactly, but gear it toward fantasy. I can shill some questions for you, and I’ll bet a few others would too.
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I’ll make a note for next year. I’d try this year, but so much is going on that I’d drive myself insane.
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“Wrap scalded hand.” OMG Charles. How true is that? So much fun Thank you.
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(That was weird. The comment was deleted when I started typing a response.)
With me it’s the potato grater. Thing is old and has a habit of catching the potato instead of letting it slide. One slip and my knuckles need bandages.
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Been there. Got the scars. Ha haha 🙂
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The suffering we go through for a good meal.
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I know. I’m the primary chef in our house and I have the scars to show for it.
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I get holidays off for cooking. Always nice.
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Lucky you. I have turkey and mashed potatoes duty.
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I helped out a few times, but too many cooks in the kitchen. Figured it was better to be on kid watching duty or feign the flu.
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😀 LOL
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Made me laugh out loud, especially numbers 15 and 19! Around here, the gravy boat never gets used except at Thanksgiving! Have a good one, Charles!
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Not sure if we own a gravy boat. There’s a strange dish in the cabinet that nobody can’t figure out the real use of. I still vote candy dish. Everything can be a candy dish.
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Reblogged this on Jeanne Owens, author.
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Thanks for the reblog
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You’re welcome. And happy Thanksgiving.
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Happy Thanksgiving to you too.
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Keep an ice bucket handy to throw on Aunt Marie and Uncle Ted when they start a political argument. The firefighters have already been here once!
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Thankfully, fantasy politics aren’t as nasty as real world politics. Just move the conversation to dragons and what they’ve been eating recently.
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