First, I tried to find ‘Parenthood Memes’ and I got a lot of stuff that I don’t want to talk about here. Just think about that first word and you might figure out the terrifying, unfunny stuff I found. This is probably going to come more from the father’s side, so just a warning there.
- You are staring at your manuscript, which you printed out because you prefer to edit by hand. Something is wrong with it even though the printer worked and you haven’t even started. Crayon! That’s right. This one doesn’t have crayon all over it with the phrase ‘I help’ scrawled at the bottom.
- You yell at your characters for messing up a scene and threaten to turn this story around if they don’t behave. The villain is now in the corner to think about what he did and the love story has fallen apart because of a cooties outbreak. Also, you keep calling everyone the name of your kid who still doesn’t react.
- You can’t tell if you’re losing sleep over writing or the kid refusing to go to sleep. All you know is that falling asleep at 10 PM is a great idea, but is less likely to happen than you being given a contract by Random House. Sad thing is that you know you’ll be up at 6 AM whether you like it or not.
- Your mastery of swear words has been greatly reduced. Every character goes to the potty and the most common insult is ‘meanie’. The villain must routinely stop his speeches to apologize for being too scary. Also the dwarf now lives in poverty because the hero implemented a swear jar and somebody couldn’t clean up his act.
- You run into several odd mistakes. Most of these are words that appear in the middle of sentences or your child’s name randomly on a line. Worst part is that this is the tenth editing run and these things keep he wanted waffles coming up. Almost like you keep fixing things fine give him pizza and distractions still turn up to make new mistakes.
- You really want to put kids into your story, but it’s more because you want certain characters to suffer. Living a carefree life of an adventurer or have the time to be a successful villain? Let’s see you two get the job done with a toddler screaming about the popcorn being the wrong color. There’s no such thing as the wrong kind of white and it all tastes the same!
- Your work area is set up with a smaller work area next to it. This comes complete with pens, pencils, empty stapler, sippy cup, Spongebob keyboard because toy laptops are expensive, pile of papers, crayons, and a bowl of animal crackers. Then a few minutes after you start working, you somehow end up having to use the small desk because the kid noticed your chair has wheels. He has a helmet on and there’s nothing breakable in the hallway. At least he’s occupied.