Star Wars Meme
First, I tried to find ‘Parenthood Memes’ and I got a lot of stuff that I don’t want to talk about here. Just think about that first word and you might figure out the terrifying, unfunny stuff I found. This is probably going to come more from the father’s side, so just a warning there.
- You are staring at your manuscript, which you printed out because you prefer to edit by hand. Something is wrong with it even though the printer worked and you haven’t even started. Crayon! That’s right. This one doesn’t have crayon all over it with the phrase ‘I help’ scrawled at the bottom.
- You yell at your characters for messing up a scene and threaten to turn this story around if they don’t behave. The villain is now in the corner to think about what he did and the love story has fallen apart because of a cooties outbreak. Also, you keep calling everyone the name of your kid who still doesn’t react.
- You can’t tell if you’re losing sleep over writing or the kid refusing to go to sleep. All you know is that falling asleep at 10 PM is a great idea, but is less likely to happen than you being given a contract by Random House. Sad thing is that you know you’ll be up at 6 AM whether you like it or not.
- Your mastery of swear words has been greatly reduced. Every character goes to the potty and the most common insult is ‘meanie’. The villain must routinely stop his speeches to apologize for being too scary. Also the dwarf now lives in poverty because the hero implemented a swear jar and somebody couldn’t clean up his act.
- You run into several odd mistakes. Most of these are words that appear in the middle of sentences or your child’s name randomly on a line. Worst part is that this is the tenth editing run and these things keep he wanted waffles coming up. Almost like you keep fixing things fine give him pizza and distractions still turn up to make new mistakes.
- You really want to put kids into your story, but it’s more because you want certain characters to suffer. Living a carefree life of an adventurer or have the time to be a successful villain? Let’s see you two get the job done with a toddler screaming about the popcorn being the wrong color. There’s no such thing as the wrong kind of white and it all tastes the same!
- Your work area is set up with a smaller work area next to it. This comes complete with pens, pencils, empty stapler, sippy cup, Spongebob keyboard because toy laptops are expensive, pile of papers, crayons, and a bowl of animal crackers. Then a few minutes after you start working, you somehow end up having to use the small desk because the kid noticed your chair has wheels. He has a helmet on and there’s nothing breakable in the hallway. At least he’s occupied.
Legends of Windemere 
These are all hilarious! I laughed out loud!
I remember my younger brother, who has two kids, asking me, “Do you need to use the potty?” when we were about to head to the car. I told him I was more than capable of using the potty on my own. But I would let him know if I did. We laughed about that!
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I use that phrase a lot. It always sounds weird, but most of my friends have kids so they get it.
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The other day I was at lunch with a group of work associates in their late twenties to mid thirties. None of them have kids. They began talking about films, specifically foreign films they had enjoyed recently. When they asked me what my favorite foreign film was, my reply was “Kung Fu Panda 3.” Needless to say, I outed myself as a dad. 🙂
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I’d have done the same thing. That or said ‘Deadpool’ and explain that there’s a lot of ‘French’ in the movie. 😀
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I’ve got a kid on the way (my first, and due in just a 2 weeks from today), and I’ve been wondering how it’ll effect my writing.
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It’s a trick at first because it depends entirely on the kid’s temperament. A child that naps easily and isn’t fussy will allow you to write a bit more than one that is determined to shatter glass with their screams. Those are the extremes though. You’ll have good days and bad. One thing I did was keep notes of any ideas that came to me and used those to help me keep some momentum.
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Nothing changes as they grow older. My thirty-five -year old daughter visited with her three kids recently. It was multiplied by four.
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That’s definitely a circus. Always surprised when large groups can’t entertain themselves for an hour or two.
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These are so true. I don’t think I’d be able to get much done at all. It still happens when they’re in their twenties.
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I’ve been hearing that. Some days I wonder if part of being an author is going through a stage of constant distraction.
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It’s our fault though. We want something, and it doesn’t involve others. Others insist on our attention.
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Tempted to buy a water gun and use it to ward off the other people. Supposedly works on naughty cats.
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Yes and you can add special scent to make sure they stay away. Remember your skunk statement a few days ago…
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I was thinking of that, but feared spilling it on myself. Water guns tend to drip.
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This is funny! I don’t have kids, but I babysit for a few families plus have my preschoolers at work… I can only imagine!
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Preschoolers can be big challenges for an author. So much energy and no restraint. 🙂
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I 100% agree.
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LOL funny. I don’t think I could do what you do. Naw! I know I couldn’t do what you do. Excellent post.
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Thanks. There are days where even I can’t do what I do. Much easier since the kid is in school.
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I can imagine.
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I think I should have said weeks.
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Days just seem like weeks.
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Number 4 is hilarious, poor Mr. Dwarf.
To add my own, that coincides with the first comment, I remember one time I told my dad to shut the door, and when he did, I baby-toned a high-pitched “Bravo!” to him. He just gave me a weird look 🙂
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In the dwarf’s defense, it was a big cultural issue to get over. I think I’ve seen that look. Usually coming from asking an adult if they have to go potty.
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These are hilarious – and oh so true!
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Thanks. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
This is a great post that resonates with me. My 8 year old seems inspired to write books as well. We were working on her cookbook last night. Inspiring her makes it worth it.
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Thanks for the reblog. Very cool that your daughter is working on a cookbook. Always great to inspire kids.
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A cookbook?! How awesome 😀
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Patience, Charles. They do grow up.
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Not sure if that’s really a good thing.
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I’m slowly catching up with your blog, since the wee one’s asleep in my arms and I only get to use the one hand. That’s also why I can’t get any work done. Need I say more?
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I remember those days. Though he wasn’t asleep, so I was stuck watching TV unless he demanded to be shown every room of the house.
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Ah, yes. The room showing can take hours. Very demanding clients, those babies.
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They don’t start paying until later too.
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I’m Greek. In our culture, they don’t pay – ever.
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Not sure what to make of that. I’m Jewish, so it’s kind of expected. Otherwise the guilt is used.
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Lol – I was talking to a Catholic friend, who was complaining about guilt. “We taught you everything you know about guilt,” I reminded him. “Hey!” my friend Sam said, offended. “Neither of you would know anything about it without us guys.” True story 🙂
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I never really figured out the Catholic guilt thing. It isn’t a big part of Judaism even though the whole ‘guilt trip’ stereotype exists. That’s more of a cultural joke than anything religious.
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Erm, the idea of an omniscient God ready to smite you might have something to do with it.
Then again, that could describe Zeus just as well.
Of course, Zeus didn’t strike someone with lightning for “wasting his seed on the ground.”
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Funny how gods seem to go on either a smiting binge or mortal orgy marathon. So little self-respect in deities.
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