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Welcome, good customer, to The Pen Is! Why do people keep laughing at our name? It’s part of a great saying and fits what we do here very well. Do we sell pens? Of course, but that’s only part of our merchandise. Yes, they come in different colors and we have various sizes of notebooks. You think it’s all paper, ink, and words? There’s a lot more to writing than the physical pieces and that’s what we have to offer. Yes, we had books on how to write and I’m getting the feeling that you’ll need at least three of those. Come with me and we’ll give you the starter pack.
First, you’ll need to purchase a reason to be an author. Trust me when I say ‘because I wanna’ won’t cut it if you get any attention. What? Don’t go too far with a parent’s dying wish or something so dramatic unless it’s true. No, don’t poison a family member to make it real. Are you going to be a horror or thriller author? Cookbooks . . . I’m sorry I asked. I suggest going with the good, old reason of ‘I hope to share my knowledge’ since you’re going for non-fiction. Fictional cookbooks? In that case, talk about wanting to bring smiles to the faces of children who will destroy kitchens across the nation. It doesn’t matter if the recipes are fake because kids will try anything.
Now, you’ve already picked a genre, but is that what you’ll stay in? If not then you may want to buy a few pen names. We have a sale right now that’s ‘Buy 4, Get a 5th Surname Free’. With each pen name, we give you a photo and contact information. It’s up to you to maintain them and keep everything separate. For an extra payment, we can give you biographies for each one, but that’s only if you can’t think of anything yourself. How do we come up with the names? That’s rather simple. We interview you and look into your background. Each name will come from a different aspect of your life and designed to not crossover. For example, one name might come from your mother’s maiden name and a favorite animal. The other can stem from your love of Nikola Tesla and Jim Henson. How did I know about that? Trade secret that has nothing to do with your Tesla shirt and Muppets wristwatch.
We have some other tools that a new author might find helpful. A personal favorite is the ‘Anti-Response Unit’. This is a necklace that you wear when reading a negative review and the device activates when you say ‘one star’, ‘two star’, or ‘troll’. It remains active for two hours and cannot be taken off until it shuts down. A scanner reads what you’re looking at and if it notices that you’re going to respond to the negative review, it zaps you with enough voltage to numb your teeth. This way, you won’t do anything in anger and cause trouble for yourself. If you want this then you need to fill out the legal forms that relieve us of all liability and give us a doctor’s note that says you have no known heart conditions. It is also not a guarantee that you won’t cause a fight later on after the two hours because you retain your free will. Yes, we used to have a device that took care of that, but there was this whole morality issue. Look, just try to stay out of trouble. The ‘report’ and ‘flag’ buttons are there for a reason, but make sure it isn’t a real review before you make some waves.
There are other things if you want to browse. Sure we have some caffeine pills and other items to help you pull off a late night. We even have an elixir that gives you a jolt of energy and clarity when you get near the end of your book. Use it only when you’re only the last ten to twenty pages and when you know you won’t be interrupted. Otherwise, you’ll sputter to a stop at the worst possible moment. Yes, we have a sucking candy that takes away the pain of editing and makes that stage enjoyable. They come in a variety of flavors including whiskey, absinthe, matzoh ball soup, and raven. You’d be surprised how often we’re out of that last one once October hits.
Just remember that we have all you could ever want in ‘The Pen Is . . .’ Again with the childish snickering?
Legends of Windemere 
Please, please open the store NOW! Really enjoyed this.
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Thanks. I’ll have to talk to our R&D division. It’s all gnomes, so explosions happen . . . daily.
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I would like a case of pens. Not sure what i am going to write. Will play around with them until i see which ink flows best. Might need a few neckties in the meanwhile.
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Have a lot of pen types. Ballpoint, quill, returning, alarmed, novelty, wine dispensing, or leaded.
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Oh definitely wine dispensing 😉
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Never mind the fictional cookbook smile, I’m laughing hard enough to fall off my chair. Love this Charles. 😀
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Glad to hear it. Really enjoying these skits. 🙂
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This store so needs to happen! Great post, Charles.
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Thanks. Now I wonder what a raven sucking candy tastes like.
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for some reason, dusty comes to mind?? 🙂
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I was thinking of a licorice/chicken combination.
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Yikes – tastes as scary as the stories it helps!
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Sounds like something would eat on a dare.
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Charles, this piece was priceless. Set to stand with Swift. >KB
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That makes me blush. 😀
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Blushing is good for an artist. When you cease being able to blush you know your talent is at stake. >KB
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Also that you might need to catch up on sleep. 😉
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Smiles…>KB
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MORE MORE MORE! I want more! 😀
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I think there’s another ‘Shoppe’ skit for next week.
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Woo-Hoo! Can’t wait 😀
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Ha! I loved this! The Anti-Response Unit made me chuckle. Well, actually all of it made me chuckle. I could use one of those candies that numb the pain of editing, but your flavors are seriously lacking. Absinthe? Really Charles? That’s the worst flavor on the planet. Isn’t the idea to take pain away, not induce it? Can I get something in lemon or green apple, please?
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There’s the basic flavors too, but absinthe has a history with artists. Hemingway, Wilde, Piscasso, and others drank it. Gotta remember the roots. 😉
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Right and many of them suffered depression, became alcoholics or went a little crazy 😉
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Went a little crazy? Most authors are already there. 😛
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Ha! So true! “Writing is the only acceptable form of schizophrenia.” 🙂
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4 out of 5 voices agree. The 5th one is just being a bitch because god forbid they all agree on something.
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There is always a naysayer…I noticed you made her female…
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Not really. Guys call other guys bitches a lot. I think the word has taken on an odd space between genders depending on the context and tone.
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I was teasing. Hope you didn’t think I was offended. I’ve encountered a few bitches in my lifetime, female and male.
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Didn’t think you were offended. Your comment just made me realize how the word is used now.
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This is a great post Charles. I have always been a fan of the “quills”, I’ll take a dozen please and based on my cooking prowess all of my cooking would be considered fictional so I think I will give that one a go. Loved this, brought a smile to my face on hump day. 🙂
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With a dozen quills, we might just give you the bulk package. Your choice of a swan, eagle, owl, turkey, or ostrich. 🙂
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#1 I really want to see someone open a store with this on their shingle 🙂
#2 I have so many comments, most of which are not safe to say out loud
#3 This brightened my day – thank you
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You’re welcome. Feel free to share any comments even if you have to enter witness protection afterwards. 🙂
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This post made me smile, snicker, and go ah ha at the same time. ❤
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Hope you weren’t drinking anything at the time. If so, I apologize.
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That one was safe. Coffee got chugged an hour ago. I know that now my day is smiles and full of giggles
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The power of coffee.
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Amen!
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Reblogged this on J.S. Riddle and commented:
Charles knows what is entertaining yet somehow we all want that case of pens
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I’m ready to open up an account. I need a huge line of credit… 🙂
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We accepting everything except Discover. Firstborn sons can be used and they don’t have to be yours.
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I’ll be stopping by this honorable establishment tomorrow. Made a list of items I need to pick up. ANy chance you’ll open the store early?
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Maybe. Depends on if we do a spontaneous all-nighter and have our coffee in the morning. 🙂
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Oh my gosh, thank you for the great laugh, Charles! I needed that today. This is great. I’ve already had a number of pen names do those count towards getting my 5th one free! lol Your mind is great!!
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Thanks. Glad you liked it. You’ll have to talk to the owner. Hard to say if you got them at a competitor.
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They were actually free! Nimby stole them for me. You knew about that, right?
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Doesn’t surprise me. It’s either him or Sari.
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It was Nimby 🙂
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