After seeing Ionia’s post about sex and romance while reading a book that had a surprising amount of genitalia attention, I’m tempted to make fun of sex scenes. I’m a weak-willed person, so here we go with ‘Rules to Make a Sex Scene’.
- Refer to sweat at least twenty times.
- Nibbling can be done on any body part and be a turn-on. Yummy elbows.
- Bouncing must be the most common action word. Jiggling doesn’t have the same effect.
- The woman always notices the weight of the guy when she’s on the bottom.
- The man never notices the weight of the woman when she’s on top.
- Woman on top equals goddess and woman on bottom equals angel.
- Every character is a pornstar level pro at oral sex. Doesn’t matter if they’re a virgin.
- Both characters must have a moment where they’re surprised they’re having sex.
- Use at least 4 terms to describe the male member.
- Use at least 7 terms to describe the female genitalia. At least 3 of these should be cave-based terms.
- Names will always be screamed.
- Woman’s hair will always be splayed on pillows when on bottom.
- Kisses are there when you can’t think of any more positions.
- Characters must always go through missionary, doggy, girl-on-top, and standing. Missing one of these means they’re not having a good time.
- Try to feign some type of romance while the characters are basically rutting.
- Refer to becoming one with the universe either at the beginning or end of the session.
- Both must collapse at the end.
- Never have the guy ask her to make a sandwich once done.
- You can have the woman request a sandwich when done.
- Neither characters can have working legs by the end of it.
Legends of Windemere 
And it is just like this in real life, right? Or is that just me? Lol
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Depends on the college you go to.
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Lol 😀
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omg LMAO!!!
Looks like the pointers E L James took XD
except this one:
21. When in first person, the woman must refer to her nether regions as “down THERE” and speak often of her “inner goddess”
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I had the term “inner goddess” in my head throughout the whole post. I couldn’t bring myself to go there.
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Precisely what I was going to say. That and sound like George Takei at least 3 times.
Ohhh Myyyy!
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Well, that voice is going to linger if I read a romance story again. 😉
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It’s all I could think of all the way through 50 Shades. Sexy as hell I tell ya.
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how many of these should I apply to my horror stories???
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Depends on the demon.
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Reblogged this on The Ranting Papizilla and commented:
Very good points Charles makes. Adult book Authors, how on point is Charles here? 😀
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Clearly you are in the wrong, genre my friend. 50 Shades of Windemere is calling your name.
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I think I’d blush too much writing a scene like that. I’d have to hire a romance writer to help me through it.
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Reblogged this on …and then there was Sarah and commented:
Take pointers, folks.
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21 womans junk referred to as something floral and out of a garden.
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Rhododendron? Pansy?
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Garden of her looooove
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Bring new meaning to words ‘hoe’ and ’tilling’.
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Ha! Plow
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Lotus seems to be very common for this.
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Rosebud
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Venus Flytrap
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Cactus of desire
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Mums of passion
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Lovers lily
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Coital chrysanthemums
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clitoral clover
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Tulips
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Dandelion rods
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Bamboo
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bimbo?
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I saw the ‘bam’ in there and went with that. Alternative was orgasmic orchids.
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lol. I’m rolling. I wonder if Tiny Tim thought of this when he “tiptoed through the tulips”
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That song has a whole new meaning now. So does Tiny Tim.
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HA!
Oh my. You are trouble.
long stemmed roses
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Jasmine and honeysuckle.
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poppycocks
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Forget-Me-Nots. I’m running out of flowers.
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why is the lion dandi?
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Because his mane looks fabulous.
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he needs a fag too
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On one of those long holders like in the old movies.
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I’ve always wanted one of those. So distinguished.
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I think there are ones with two prongs.
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Double the fun!
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You can never have enough fun. Let’s go for triple.
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Lung cancer here we come.!
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Good point. Need something else. Twizzlers?
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Pixie sticks they are more fantasy
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Fun dip!
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Candy rings!
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Atomic fireballs!
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I almost choked to death on one of those
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I did that with one of those super sour warhead candies.
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I hate those
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I loved them as a kid, but I don’t like them now. More of a Starburst fan these days.
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Really? I had no idea!
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Also Skittles, Snickers, Twizzlers, and Laffy Taffy. I like candy.
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I do too:(
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No reason to frown. Candy is good in moderation.
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This was a great post only I didn’t see anything about whips, ropes, chains or who is going to clean up the toys when your’re done.
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I stuck with the standard sex scene. I know nothing about S&M or whatever. Didn’t want to anger people that are masters of using whips, ropes, and chains.
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Also, never, ever, use the word hump! I actually saw that written once and nearly died.
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What if they’re on a camel?
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okay…maybe.
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22. Always, ALWAYS refer to the golden afterglow, the health benefits of being relaxed and limber and never skip this scene, unless you can explain it – i.e. pager goes off, roof caves in, bad guys find the heroes hide out……
LOL
Excellent! If this doesn’t put the end to not-necessary-to-the-plot sex scenes, I don’t know what will…
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Now I need to work on the not-necessary-to-the-lot flashback. That has to go.
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Yes! Hate those – and seriously, I quit reading one author by book 7 – yes, I wanted to know what happened next, I loved her characters, but by book 5 more than half of it was flashback/re-telling and I’m thinking,
“Do you think your audience is so stupid that we plunged in to read book 5 only? Sheesh!”
I’ll never know what happened in books 7 or 8, but by book 6, I no longer cared….
🙂
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I think that’s a benefit of present tense writing. You can’t do flashbacks.
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I understand needing to allude to something in order for the current book to make sense, but really, how many people start reading a book and think, “Wow! I picked up the second in the series and I’m really mad the author didn’t clue me into every stinking thing that happened in book 1!”
I’ve only had that happen with two different series – each book got longer and longer with less new story – is this what happens when a publishing house wants to ride the winning pony all the way to the bank?
😀
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I think the term filler is appropriate here.
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LOL – oh, THAT’s what it is……
Silly me….
😀
Yuk-Yuk
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Don’t forget that the male organ must be the largest the woman has ever seen before and that the male is able to go longer and well, you know, more frequently than is humanly possible. And at some point the woman is a quivering mass Quivering is a critical word int these things.
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Forgot about quivering. Good one on the endurance issue. Everyone is a pornstar in an erotic romance.
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Oh, maybe that’s it. Just like with a good bit of porn, the reader of the sex scene doesn’t see the behind the scenes fluffing.
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Or we’re actually reading a 5 minute passage of time.
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Pingback: Does Sex really Sell? | The Good, Bad and Ludicrous
And they must say “that was amazing” when it is over.
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What about ‘I’ve died and gone to heaven’?
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good too. How about “I never felt this way before>”
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Good one. “We’ve become one” is another popular line or at least some variation of it.
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That’s funny.
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Reblogged this on mybrandofgenius and commented:
funny and seems to be the topic of the day
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Thanks for the post. I needed a good laugh and your reward is a reblog 🙂
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Thanks. Appreciate the reblog. Happy to make you laugh too.
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Reblogged this on MLNewman87 and commented:
A great post about sex scenes. Don’t drink water while reading. 🙂
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Reblogged this on sshalsnoy's Blog and commented:
This article is so true and yet hilarious at the same time!
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Reblogged this on Virginia the Viruliferous and commented:
Proper and brilliant advice. XD
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Woman Porn Charles 🙂
Erotica is the word yeah?
And PMSL at the blog
Really funny bud..
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Thanks. It was a lot of fun to write too. 😀
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It looked fun to do mate 🙂
I should do more of these writing challenged set by people..Just too lazy .. lol
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Flex that humorous creativity. 😀
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I do the funny picture blogs..Most of my writing is pain, music, football and other rubbish,..
Would love to be able to write with more humour 🙂
Give me an idea or a clue as how to try and I will…Just for fun 🙂
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Practice. That’s all I can think of.
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Yeah I was in jest..I will try. I did blogs about myself that were funny. Doing off the cuff ones.. Harder.. Shall try, am bored.. lol
Cheers
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Fun thing about blogging is that it’s never really off the cuff. You can plan and edit until you’re ready to post it.
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This is true..
Shall practice, you have peeked my stupid side 🙂
Expect nonsense Charles lol
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Oh boy…I go away for awhile and I come back and it’s all gone downhill! lol This had me rolling Charles! Great post 🙂
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Thanks. See why we need you. You keep this place classy and well-behaved.
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I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t add my smutty comment then! lol
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I think some of us have you covered.
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I’d say – more than covered! lol
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We aim to please. 😀
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LOLOLOLOLOLOL! It’s at this point that he finds out she has being seeing someone else.
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This is the funniest comment thread I have ever read. It has nearly over come the post. I exploded with laughter to the point of gyrating, after of course. Good show.
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Thanks. We’ll be here (on WP) all week. 😉
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Reblogged this on Amanda's Words / starfire8me and commented:
hey, the sexier the better!!
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hahaha…I went to The Cove and came back….you guys have been having all the fun…and now I recall a passage in my book when my characters go a hotel together and I actually wrote, “…the bromiliads bloomed their phallic plumes…”, or something like that…geez
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That’s funny. What is it with flowers and sex scenes?
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I don’t know…why do men give women flowers? I think flowers have always been a romantic symbol and that just translates into sex. It is rather nice to refer to her fragrance being like jasmine rather than her odor is like a day at the dock.
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Because flowers are pretty. The prettier the flower, the more beautiful you’re saying a woman is. At least that’s my translation.
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You’re a good guy 🙂
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My husband brings me chocolates and says,”Here are some sweets for the sweet.” So I reply, “Here, have some nuts.” (He’s a nutty guy.)
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Ha! That’s genius.
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I would like to think it was genius, but I had actually been to Costco and had several containers of cashews, dry roasted peanut etc…and was trying to be nice in return. He is very sensitive and took it the wrong way. But I did think it was funny enough to remember.
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It’s certainly a funny story. Too bad he took it the wrong way.
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he didn’t get mad, it was another chance to laugh together, which we do a lot…every day at least once! That’s one reason why I keep him. Great sense of humor.
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Being able to laugh together is definitely a good thing in a relationship.
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Mastering sex fantasies/desires/actions is promoted and blessed as never before in human history by our present top democratic systems driven by money, social manipulations and never ending run for more of everything. Charles, your 20 point sarcastic characterization of our modern se…al activities is great and gives even more fun when people swallow this peculiar bait ant truly resonate by adding very own se…al projections.
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Is it ok for the woman to request a salami sandwich or were you referring to another type of sandwich?
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Any type of sandwich.
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Even the human kind?
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In terms of writing that might be repetitive and simply require a fade to black.
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You know more about this ‘romance’ stuff than you let on.
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I only know writing. Some of the rules seem to cross genres.
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Are you hiding behind Fantasy again? 😉
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Always. It’s where I’m strongest.
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Gotta come out sometime!
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Not really. No rule says I have to.
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*Note to self-must email Ionia and get her to send in squirrels.
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Tell her to send some cupcakes too.
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And a new rule book.
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I didn’t read the old one.
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Too busy with your head in between the covers of a fantasy novel I expect.
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Sadly, my book doesn’t have covers yet. Need to fix that some day.
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Yes you do. You just can’t hold them or hide behind the. See?
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I’m not the cover artist, so I can only go as fast as he does. Not sure what you mean by hold them or hide behind them.
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You can’t hold your covers…yet.
Never mind.
Redundancy has set in on this side of the screen.
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Yeah. I think I’m on a different mindset over here.
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Reblogged this on BRIDGET WHELAN writer and commented:
Cringe worthy and LOL funny…every written a sex scene? Ever written one like this?
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Very amusing. Makes you think. Thank goodness I’ve never had to write one
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Just reblogged on http://bridgetwhelan.com/….delicious!
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I believe at least one of the characters is supposed to “explode” into an orgasm. It sounds dangerous to me, but there you go.
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Sounds like a doctor should be called afterwards with that one.
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Hmm. I amaze myself by completely forgetting to use any of those points.
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Jeez Charles…I read your list yesterday and it was a gas…loved it…but lawdy lawdy these comments would make a great story with a crazy poem in it just for good measure! 😀
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The comments always seem to be better than post. Wonder why that is.
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Naw…I wasn’t saying that…I was saying take the ball and run and use the material…that didn’t come out right huh…
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Not really. Though the comments are hilarious.
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Yes they are…wortha post in themselves 😉
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I’ve done that and the formatting is a pain. It copies the timestamps and everything.
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Oooo…yes, that would be a pain…put it into word and edit out the timestamps etc maybe?
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That’s what I did and it still took over an hour. You have to go through each one and there could be hundreds. It’s really the timestamps that cause the most trouble.
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A shame…yeah…you’d either have to copy and paste each comment or take out the timestamps…long slog…oh well…what about just cooking up a party conversation blog or something…anyway that back and forth between you an Ionia about the flowers was delish…
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Thanks. We’re playing with the idea of doing a banter post, but need to find a better medium than the comments section.
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Oh yes…twitter…hmm (never used it myself) … what about facebook messages?
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Ionia and Facebook don’t really mix. I barely use it these days because I don’t get much out of it. Using a chat program would be easier, but we’d need time for that.
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Skype isn’t bad for chatting…
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It works pretty well. There’s Google Chat too, but we still have the issue of time.
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Good one. 🙂 I had a good laugh after reading this, mostly because it was 90% true to my sex scenes. ;D
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I guess there are some standards that you can’t get rid of.
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Haha. What can I say? I aim to please.
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Nothing wrong with that.
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🙂
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Hahaha good to know…and oh so true! Sometimes I read sex scenes and I am like…yeah like we have four hours a night to get through all that! Guess we better add “Unending Energy until the Collapse”
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With a one time thing I could understand that, but you’re right that an every night type of thing is over the top. I do wonder if the sex scenes are really taking place over 30 minutes or so considering the amount of description and inner thoughts.
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Every night would kill someone! Not to mention there are some books where they lay quietly for a few moments and start over again or do the same thing about five times in a day…wouldn’t happen, lol.
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I have some friends that were able to pull those stunts off, but it special circumstances. Like vacations and simply having nothing else to do.
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Exactly, vacations, get a ways….not when you have work in the morning!
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Depends on how much they like their job. 😛
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Reblogged this on The Crafty Book Goddess and commented:
Since Aleusia and I were just discussing this very thing, it seems appropriate, and absolutely fun. So I’m sharing this from another writer here, and even the comments are entertaining! Enjoy!
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Hilarious. And so very true! Really enjoyable post 🙂
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Thanks. I had a lot of fun with it.
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Bahhaha! Funniest post I’ve seen in a while 🙂
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This is hilarious Charles! ;D lol Love it!
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Thanks. It seems to be very popular.
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This is brilliant! And disturbingly accurate 😦 there are some good ones out there, but you’ve nailed it… metaphorically speaking.
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Thanks. I wrote this after I offered to read a friend’s erotica book. I couldn’t resist poking fun at the genre.
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