So, if you are an indie author then you are probably like me…A short little Jewish guy with a love for pizza and a tendency to fart in public and blame it on his wife. I mean, you are probably paranoid about whether or not your book is selling copies. Let me tell you why you should ignore those numbers as often as possible…allow me to walk you through my day….
6:30 a.m. : Get one eye open, other closes again. Get other eye open, opposite eye closes again. Rub both eyes, repeat until both stay open. First thought: I wonder how my sales figures look this morning. Second thought, I need to pee. third thought, I will pee after I check my sales figures.
7:00 a.m. Hop on one foot waiting for Amazon’s KDP dashboard to load so I can see my numbers. Really need to Pee.
7:10 Realized after checking numbers I should have peed first, now all bathrooms in the house are occupied and I really, really need to pee.
7:30 Having finally peed, stumble down the stairs, hook foot in railing while looking at phone checking sales figures. Stumble, tumble land and crumble but I never dropped my phone!
7:31 celebrate ability to still walk while also checking sales figures from phone.
8:00 a.m. Text message from Ionia “Good Morning, Charles. How are things?”
8:45 a.m. Finally get around to answering Io after nearly forgetting due to checking sales figures.
8:46 Another text from Ionia. “Charles, stop checking your fucking numbers. You aren’t supposed to be stressing.”
9:46 Answer text message an hour later…”Uhm I was biking…not looking at my numbers…”
9:46 “Don’t lie to me, arsehole.”
9:47-12:00 Pretend to get work done and take care of toddler while consistently checking sales figures. Nearly have a heart attack when the amazon screen comes up with a glitch and my numbers disappear for a second. Call Ionia and whine while she bitches about her day.
12-2:00 Remind myself that my sales numbers will still be there when I am done using the bathro….oh, never mind this phone is a mini computer.
2:01 Drop phone in toilet on accident. Freak out until 2:02.
2:03 Reach in and pluck out phone. Dry off with hair dryer.
2:10 Make test call to Ionia.
2:11 Silently giggle when best friend says “Charles, WTF–you sound like you are under water.” She has no idea how true that is…
2:30-5:00 Hide in basement as much as possible while looking to see if George Martin has knocked me off another list while killing yet another of his characters. Write Martin hate post..George–not Ionia.
5:00 -7:00–Check sales figures, make vodka sauce, dream about pizza, check sales figures, almost lose phone in vodka sauce, wonder if battery will last through dinner.
8:00 Give toddler a bath, while checking sales figures…suddenly become paranoid about all basins full of water. Check sales figures.
9:00 Try to watch TV while texting Ionia about sales figures. Text fails. Email Ionia about Sales figures. Send squirrel meme by text. Instant response. See a pattern…ignore it as slip in sales figures. Back to being ignored.
10:00–check sales figures while quietly raiding the freezer for frozen yogurt. Find some in carton. Smile. Walk away, Head back to basement.
10:02 “Oh Fuck!” Race back upstairs and rescue iphone from freezer.
11:00 “Ionia, I’m sleepy.”
11:01 “Go to bed, Charles.”
Three hours later, after checking sales figures 5,197 more times.
2:01 a.m. “I’m getting sleepy, Ionia.” (Finger hovering over button to check sales figures.)
2:02 a.m. “Seriously Charles, go to bed already…Bloody hell.”
2:03 a.m. “Okay, have a good night. Talk to you in the morning.”
3:03 a.m. Incoming message. “Honestly, I know you are still looking at the numbers. Go to Fucking SLEEEP!”
3:04—considers pretending didn’t get message…realises this is imessage and she got a delivery confirmation. Settles for “Yes, goddess.” Swears he can hear her snicker all the way from Nevada…oh, never mind, actually can because I video called her on accident with my butt cheek. She may never forgive me for getting undressed for bed before this.
3:30 Finally settles in to go to sleep, after one last check.
3:31 Check sales figures
3:32 Check sales figures
3:33 Check sales figures
4:45 Check sales figures…..
6:29….Check sales figures
Love you, Charles 9:45, buddy